"The Art of Snake Slaying" by Krista Kirksey

Well, its been several months since Jami and Chuck have allowed me to "guest blog"...but I must say that my life has been rather dull and boring up until this week. Nothing that has happened so far has been blog worthy, that is up until Sunday night. I returned home from the Kirksey Compound (in Flippin) to a seemingly normal house. I was a little sad to come back to LR, because Kiley was not with me and I have been all alone in my house lately. Our cat, Mary Dell, greeted me at the door and would not stay off of my lap. I could tell she was also in need of some attention. For those of you that have visited my house (deemed the Kirksey Hostel by all the guests that seem to come and stay) know that we have a doggie door in the kitchen which is used by Mary Dell and Chuck (who has been known to crawl through when we have accidentally locked him or ourselves out). It is late and so I push the cat off, take a shower, put on my pjs, and get comfortable on the couch. I then hear said cat come through the doggie door and start making this horrible sound that I know she is trying to get my attention with! I walk casually into the kitchen unaware that she as brought a baby snake into the house. It is obvious that she just wants to show me how much she loves me by bringing me a present! To say that I freaked out is a complete and utter under exaggeration. The tomboy who at 10 years old would catch snakes just to show them to my sisters to freak them out, has now turned into a squealing little girl! I honestly didn't know I had such a girlie reaction in me. Mary Dell is down in pounce mode so I decide it will be in my best interest to put on my cowboy boots before I make a move. After running back into the kitchen, I realize all the I have handy is a 12-pack of Coke. So I pick up that 12-pack and beat the crap out of that snake and call Kiley for disposal advice. She decides that it will be best for me to throw the snake back over in the neighbor's yard (we reasoned that said snake came from the yard next door because they haven't lived there for a year and the backyard is somewhat of a jungle) and not put it in the trash because "what if it comes back to life"? I agree and get the dust pan and a yard stick to push it in the dust pan, and as soon as I touch it with the yard stick, that little piece of crap comes back to life and turns it head in striker position and hisses at me!! I took that yard stick and beat it til its guts spilled all over the kitchen! I then picked it up in the dustpan and threw it out the back door into the neighbor's yard! I went to bed, proud of myself, the "Snake Slayer".

Well, its Monday night about 10:30..normally I would be in bed by now, but I let the cat out for just a minute to use the potty and she would not come back in. So I get ready for bed and sit down on the couch to wait for her. I hear her come back in the doggie door making that dang sound again. I freeze, put on my cowboy boots which are right next to the couch, and head into the kitchen to find Snake #2. I have my yard stick sitting out this time, but by the time I take a swing at him, he goes behind the dishwasher. So here i am freaking out again in the kitchen with my yard stick and cowboy boots. Not sure why I thought Ryan could help me, but I called him and he suggests that I turn on the dishwasher to "vibrate him out". Sounded like a good plan to me comma however it didn't work. So I decided there was no possible way I could ever sleep in the house with a snake, so I called Mandy to bum a couch off of her. Upon arriving at Mandy's, I pop 2 tylenol pm's and knock myself and images of snakes out of head. I come back to the Hostel the next morning to find nothing...so I decide to hop in the shower and calm myself down. I come out of the shower, in bra and panties, to find that the cat has brought the snake to me and it is in the middle of the living room floor. I throw on the cowboy boots again but this time my yard stick is in the kitchen and all i have to defend myself is a package that was to be sent to Ruthie Stewart in Canada! ~Side note, Ruthie Stewart is the most hilarious city/canadian girl that you will ever meet. I am pretty sure that karma does, in fact, exist now. About three weeks ago, Ruthie Stewart made her first visit to the south, and I played up all the country/outdoor/animal things that I could think of. We spent the night at Bill and Jess's one night and Ruthie was to sleep in Bill's "trophy room" full of every kind of stuffed wild animal that you can think of. Of course I rubbed them in her face and put these turkey feet on Ruthie's pillow and she freaked. Needless to say, she refused to sleep in that room. Hindsight, 20-20, I would have never put those feet on her because now I am getting snakes in return!~

Anyway, so here I am in undies, cowboy boots, and Ruthie Stewart's package and POUNCED that dang snake, knocked it senseless long enough to go grab my snake killing yard stick to beat the tar out of it. It was trash day so Snake #2 went in the outside trash and the package went to Canada with snake gut stains! (If you are reading this, sorry, Ruthie Stewart!) Again, I am feeling pretty darn proud of myself...I am really becoming a professional snake slayer...puffed my chest out and went to work.

In fact, I was feeling so good about myself that night, that I even spent the night by myself at my house for the next two nights. Of course, cat has been placed under house arrest and is back to using the litter box. The Hostel is locked up tighter than a Texas State prison. I am feeling safe and secure. That is until this morning, oh, this morning....cat is again making a horrible noise trying to wake me, I finally get up and go into the living room to find Snake #3...and this time, its a COPPERHEAD! Snakes #1 and #2 were bad, but at least they were a solid color and according to snakesofarkanas.com "harmless". This time around, I am an old pro ready and waiting for my next opportunity to make a kill. I have my snake killing tools (yard stick, dust pan, and broom) waiting by the front door. Shoot, this time around I didn't even put on my cowboy boots! I grabbed my stick and beat that snake to death, but this time around I saved him. I finally hit my breaking point and called an exterminator and thought that he would probably want to see the snake. After calling into my office to work from home and being referred by Rita of a "good rodent removal business", I made a call. Unfortunately, the lady informed me, "oh, sweetie, we don't do snakes, but I can give you the name of just the guy for the job!" I happily took down the number and promptly called Bobby, "the Friendly Trapper". Yes, he is real and yes, he is friendly! Bobby has quickly become one my favorite people and has earned a spot in My Circle. He talks exactly like Hank from King of the Hill, and tells me that he will be right over. A big truck pulls up in the driveway and out hops Bobby,40, Lil Bobby,19, Baby Bobby,9, and best friend and business partner Bob, the snake sniffing pug. These guys were hilarious. I show Bobby Snake #3 and he confirms that it is a copperhead. "Well, Honey, that there is a copperhead, and they way I figure it you got yourself a whole mess of copperheads..I'd say about 20-30!" Bobby immediately puts them to work spreading repellent all over the yard. Bobby took a look around the house and tells me that for only 100 bucks more he will seal all the holes leading into the house and weedeat the "snake feeding habitat". Deal! Thats the best 100 bucks I have ever spent. 2 hours later as Bobby is writing up my bill, I ask him to come take a look inside at an unrelated hole I have in the kitchen wall. He said for an extra 50 bucks, he could plaster up that hole. Deal! He is going to Home Depot and coming back tomorrow to patch er up! Of course Baby Bobby followed him into the house still wearing his "snake gas mask". As he was leaving, Baby Bobby turned calmly to us and told us through his snake gas mask and thick Arkansas twang, "If you get bit by one of those snakes, stay calm, cause if your heart races, the poison will get to your heart faster". Thank you, baby bobby, for the tip. You really do learn something new everyday.

For all of you who don't think this is bad enough, after Kiley and I bought extra large "mouse" glue traps for any lingering serpents in the house, we decided to get take out from McAlisters. As Kiley went in to order, I stepped outside on the patio to call mom and explain everything that had happened today to lay to rest all things serpentine. I think I over hear a couple talking about a snake in their house!! Could I just let it go and walk away...no, no, no. I had to open my big fat mouth one last time. I walked over to the lady, getting looked up and down the whole way. I say excuse me, She says, Yeah, I say, I didn't mean to overhear your conversation, but did you say you have a snake in your house? In the meanest voice she shook her head and said, "no". I immediately started back tracking, I stutteringly say "oh, uh, uh, i had a snake in my house today and I was going to give you a number of this great guy". She finally cracks a smile and says, "Well, it wasn't that kinda snake". Boyfriend laughs outloud and says, "yeah, my big black snake"! I think I may have blacked out for a second...I wanted to run. I just backed away speechless. I went back into the restaurant, found kiley, laid my head on the table and cried a little. She took me home.

Keep your fingers crossed that is that last big, little, or black snake we come across!